Boy am I pathetic. Earl always wants to know my "dude" situation, not understanding that there's a reason why there isn't one. I don't know how to talk to guys, like at all. I mean, yeah I can talk to like Bob and other dudes, but if I'm actually interested in a guy I revert to shy mode and I can't talk or find anything to talk about. I just run away, just like I did today when Earl brought over 19-year-old Popeyes applicant Sam for our New Year's crab boil. I didn't run the whole time, but I could barely hold my own in a conversation, just sat meekly by as the conversation occurred around me. Why did he have to be cute? Why?! Ugh, plus he's a total gentleman, extremely grateful for everything, a total chatterbox though. I thought I was neutral toward him today, but based on my feeling of devastation and the itching desire to kick myself in the head, I think its pretty safe to say that I have a full blown crush on my hands. Fuck. I keep trying to throw Earl off of my trail though, cuz the last thing I need is my stepdad trying to set me up on a date with a guy who totally needs a skinny blond bimbo on his arm and not me.

Not that I'm not excited, I am, its just signifying the end of an era. My mom's getting married to Earl, my dad's gonna have the pitter patter of baby feet in their house, and where does that leave me? People are moving on, and I don't seem to be going anywhere. In fact, I don't think I CAN go anywhere, especially if I continue to have Grandma as my responsibility. But even without her, do I have any plans? I'm not even thinking about the future, I'm so caught up in my present to realize that I have practically no aspirations. want to live on my own, but can I? I want to go out and party with friends, but do I even know how? My God, I can't even get a damn job!

What's worse is the fact that Mom's theories will be confirmed. My father will replace me with his new little bundle of joy, and I will be virtually forgotten, except to babysit of course. Which is supposed to be really liberating, but its not right now. It actually kind of hurts, and what's worse is that I knew it was coming, I just didn't want it confirmed. Ugh, I'm so not gonna enjoy when that baby pops out, because Mom will just scoff at the name they'll have for it and say it'll end up being like one of their worst characteristics, and I have to smile and nod and go with the flow around Dad and Gen so I don't completely miss out on the kid's childhood. Only thing is I'll most likely be uber jealous, it will have all the great things that I missed out on as a kid. I just hope I can get some kind of attachment with it, that it won't acknowledge me as the forgotten sister who they ended up replacing. Or maybe I've been too attached to being an only.

Whatever, I'm just sad because if it was Mom's kid I'd be the third parent. I'd play a huge role in that kid's life, but this one will barely know me. And that really stings, because I've been dying to have a younger sibling for so long, and now my life is so chaotic that there's no chance of me being around that kid. This sucks, this really does. One thing I really hope to accomplish is to be able to be the kid's confidante. I want it to be able to trust me despite whatever Dad and Gen say. And I REALLY hope Gen doesn't try to turn the kid against me at anytime, 'cause that would tear me apart. God, I'm really getting affected by this right now. I'm gonna try and do other things to not think about it so much. ttyl.

Not really supposed to be here, meaning both the library computer lab and on this blog. Right now I should be getting my ass whooped in my fitness class, and I'm not supposed to be any computers until...I make rent I guess. Because I'm an insufferable, lying, unbelievably retarded dumbass, I'm pretty much on the chopping block, and one wrong move and I'm jettisoned from my current home and left to fend for myself. Lately I've been doing well as far as their specifications go for being a model roommate (that's my new station now, since if I don't make rent I'm gone) and have managed to nab a job as well. Only problem is this freaking store is taking forever to open and its making me afraid that I won't ever get a job. I hit as many places as I could access with limited funds and transportation around school and home, but hardly anybody's hiring right now, and my best bet is this frozen yogurt place that's planning to open in a week or so that's just a block or so from school. Please God let this work out! I have no other options, the 'rents said either I'm homeless or the military, and the military is already rejecting me. So this Frozzi-Yo thing better work out or else I'm screwed.

In other news, the other rule was that I dump my current friends and make better ones who are more studious. After I was temporarily thrown out I headed for Alyssa's mainly to say goodbye (I had a half-baked final solution for myself at the time) and Mom sent out an alarm to Alyssa and her fam to not assist me in any way. Instead of taking the hint, the idiots think I'm being abused or something and still want to help me out, not knowing that if I take their assistance I can't speak to my family ever again. Finally realizing just how much I've kind of put Alyssa on a pedestal in my mind, I decided that staying away from her was wise. Unfortunately, the chick still has some of my stuff, and she goes to the same school. Last week I had to run into her on my way to class, and she gave me this whole "I've been trying to call you, are you ok? You know you're always welcome at my house, blah blah blah" and I really started to realize just how annoyingly fake she is. She claims that she needs me, but I'm so easily replaced really, her number one friend for awhile was Celeste, so since she's out of the picture she's fallen back on me. She only ever called me once, was spooked by the authoritative boom of Earl on the other end, and my phone has not rung since. Instead of tearing her a new one after listening to her bullshit, I took the wimpy approach and said maybe it'll work out once everything's cooled down. Really I just want my shit back, in good shape.

So I haven't told Mom, for fear she'll get mad at me for not ending it right there. Also because I do kinda wanna hold onto her, even if its at arm's length. She is kind of a bitch-like sister to me, and she has no intentions of leaving me alone either, so what can I do? If only I could replace her as easily as she could me, then I could move on and not clutch onto her like some idiot grappling with an electric eel with his bare hands. Unfortunately the only studious types I've ever drawn to me were gaming nerds. Wouldn't that make Mom just ever so proud, especially since she's already begged me to never go to Comic-Con.

Whatever, I'm about to be logged out of this comp soon, so I'm gonna just go and do some practice problems for class in prep for my test on Thursday. Ttyl.

I believe...

1.that Tom Cruise is truly insane.
2.that Britney Spears is still awesome regardless of the many publicized poor decisions she's made.
3.that technology is a pain in the butt because there's no way of being up to date for longer than a year.
4.in Harvey Dent. (lol jk)
5.cartoons are getting stupider, because I'm pretty sure my taste in comedy hasn't changed a lot.
6.people can watch cartoons at whatever age, there are worse things than an adult watching cartoons.
7.that once things start happening during Obama's presidency people aren't going to continue to see him as the greatest thing since sliced bread.
8.that the PCC library has air conditioning going year round.
9.I will probably have a great time in my new beginning fitness class.(besides, my instructor promised that it would be.
10. that I need to leave the library now so I don't freeze solid.

Tight and nappy brown curls,
And eyes of emerald green.
An infectious laugh that shook the walls,
And the emeralds glittered with glee.
Had a tendency of stumbling over your words,
But sang with the voice of an angel.
Always a joker, we conspired together,
That mischievous smile won my heart.
Witty remarks I would first enjoy,
Would later leave me questioning and confused.
Your actions seemed almost exclusive to me,
Making me only fall for you more.
But you were scrawny, and spoke of JAVA,
Your friends were all of the dramatic sort.
But your wit and charm took its hold on me,
and nor did I fight its embrace.
I longed to be part of your posse,
to be near you always, to grow close to you.
So then when I introduced the proposition of love,
It wouldn't be as farfetched.
But alas, my fear took over,
I refused to follow my heart.
And here I sit, several months later,
Thinking of you once again.
Hope all is well in your travels abroad,
That you're getting all that you wanted.
Hope that the you have no memory of me,
So your heart won't be as twisted as mine.
I hope one day I may see you again,
And we could laugh like we did back then.
In my heart you shall remain a very dear friend,
If only for me you could say the same.

What can I say? She's the example of knowing someone for so long but still feeling like you don't REALLY know them. I mean, I've done so much for this girl, there were so many things I was WILLING to do for this girl, and each time I keep finding out a new tidbit of info that just dashes the slowly rebuilding trust I had for her. You know, its easy to disregard mother's warnings and people's info that doesn't really connect right that are from people that I don't really talk to or fond of. Because they don't know her like I do, because she always tells me that I'm the one that knows everything, the one she wants to make her second maid of honor, the chick she wants as her child's godmother one day. And then I come to find out from a 3 1/2 hour conversation with her boyfriend John, who has no reason to lie to me and has always come off to me as a "good" guy, is telling me all these bits and pieces of info that just makes me feel like I've been duped or something. Her friendship was the one friendship that I thought would last, could weather the elements, would always manage to work out somehow. But I just don't know how much I can take! Its been five years, you think she would have snapped out of her warped little fantasy already!

I've decided she needs a little sit down. I've decided that the reason why she's all over the place and everywhere in between is because she has no plan of action for her life. At the tiniest prodding of peer pressure she's gone, at the very idea of a boyfriend she's gone, at the possibility of fun she's gone. When she's with me she's on her best behavior. I get the calls later of how she regrets doing this or hates that she did that. And she's gotten so sick of me scolding her, got so sick of me caring about her bad behavior, that she omits any of the details that I'll disapprove of just so we don't get into it. And I had to find out from John that really she's not taking any winter classes, after she specifically told me she was and turned down a hang-out invitation of mine because of it. So now I'm unloading. I'm delivering an ultimatum. If she truly wants me as a friend, wants me to stick by her still, she needs to get her life back on track. She needs to have goals and stick to them. She needs to not get sidetracked by anything going on that is just temporary and just focus on school. She needs to move on with her life! And also treat John better, definitely that, I've had a soft spot for him and I don't want him to get hurt because of her stupidity. I just hope to God she actually listens to me this time!

I've kind of mapped it out with Earl already, and here's how I'm hoping to do this. I'm thinking of just skipping spring semester entirely, so then I have time to settle down and get used to O.C., there isn't that big of a rush to move down, I have time to get a job and a license, and working full time or something like it will allow me to save up a huge sum of money for future schooling and the like. It sounds like a no-brainer, but there are still snags. The one I'm concerned about is financial aid and what will happen with my Pell Grant. I know I have to pay up if I drop out of classes I signed up for, but what if I don't sign up at all? I'm hoping to find out this information today.

The only other issue is how my parents are going to react to me not going to school for a whole semester. I know mom will be pissed, thinking that if I don't stick it out in school that I'm just going to be a working class idiot or something, which is why she signed my life away to PCC last fall before I was even aware of it. Dad won't like it, but hey, life happens, and as long as I'm working it should be all good. I don't know, as soon as I figure out my financial aid info I should be able to come up with a fairly good idea of what my options are and how I'm going to work this out. But skipping Spring is the only plan that makes sense to me. I want to get out of here so bad, its freaking me out. Mom doesn't really get how bad it is for me right now, I don't have a bed nor can I just kick it in the living room. If this goes on I'm just gonna keep snapping at people and its not going to be pleasant. I have to get out for my own sanity's sake!

Naw, its several things. I've been cooped up in the house for awhile now and its not what I'm used to. I'm used to going to school all the time and my pretty random work schedule. Now there's nothing and I'm bored. Then the only way to cure the boredom is to possibly do something at home, which ain't working, or go out with friends, which is something that needs to be planned way in advance. So, there's my problem, restlessness. Then there's the fact that Mom and Earl are thinking its probably a good idea for me to kick it at Dad's for awhile so Mom can settle down in SD and my uncle can have his own room downstairs, and I'll have my own room and own computer too at Dad's and Dad can finally feel like a dad again. What do I think? I think its an ok idea, but the whole matter of transportation is a big deal to me, since I'm supposed to be driving, and then I have to go long distances to get to my destination, and blah dee blah, so I don't know how its going to work. But does the transportation con outweigh the pro of getting a room of my own in a stable household without outer interferences ruining my life? Its a mighty big pro. There's also the other con of my new style that clashes with Dad's boring ways, what with sports and picky music taste and lack of a social life, while I'm watching more interesting stuff and always finding new music and I like to go out. I don't know, and then there's the whole fear of possibly bonding with Gen so that Mom will end up hating me the next time I see her, and then dealing with Gen's people. Bleh. I don't know, there's too many things that will get disrupted if its not properly planned out. I need something to happen soon that will totally make up my mind for me and then it will turn out ok.

Found out Alyssa took off to go bowling and all sorts of fun nonsense this weekend. Breanna just apologized to me on myspace about the phone call that ended up with me hating her again. I just fucking talked to these people and they don't even begin to see the damn point that I keep trying to make. I hate being exiled and I hate being walked on, why don't they get that? God, do they really like me as a friend or am I just someone to talk to occasionally but ignore when it actually comes down to doing something with me? WTF?! What will it take before they actually put me in the correct regard? Or they could at least TELL me where I stand in the relationship with them! Its so fucking frustrating how I try and try to make them understand that what they do hurts me and it just goes unnoticed, a regular piece of the scenery, not to be regarded one bit. What the fuck is it going to take before someone realizes that I'M NOT OK! When will I finally make a friend who makes time for me, who plans an outing with me, who actually feels gratitude when I do something for them?! I feel like everything i did was just a waste of time, because I never seem to get anything out of it. I do enjoy giving, but I'm not fond of giving without getting anything back anymore, I'm done with it now. If they want something from me, I need to start seeing something in return for once.

But we really didn't know if he would freak out or not, and we're still on our toes! But overall things have been pretty tame. Plus, he's not really staying as long as we thought he was. So yay!

In other news, I have now completed my short-term speech class so now my weekends are free! Bad news, my new job will most likely want me to work on those days now! Boo! Ah well, the only person it will bug would be Dad, and even so he can shut up once I get him a fairly good gift for Christmas (the question is what to get him, hmmm...). I don't hate Alyssa anymore, but nor do I really trust her, so I'm kinda keeping my distance from her for awhile, which won't be hard now that I have a job. Yay! Downside, my other little bundle of drama, who goes by the name of Breanna, is going to be working with me! Yay! Ugh, my job was supposed to be something that was all mine, my own single accomplishment, and now Breanna has a share in it and will make my job just a tad bit harder to do. Woohoo. God this sucks, what with her being loaded with more Mark stories to share and more of her smelling like cigarettes because she refuses to quit. I bet she's drinking more now too. Goddamnit! I don't need that kind of drama in my life anymore, I'm trying to move on and establish my own independence, and these people keep tampering with it! Gah!

Well anyway, I've already started the Christmas shopping with a few knicknacks I found at Big Lots for Alyssa, and its already got me started on new ideas for Doritos, since he should get something 'cause he's funny and he actually talks to me. So far I got him a Tigger magnet, already asking Alyss what else he likes so I can plan accordingly. Hmm, gotta ask Gen about Dad's gift, and vice versa. After that its just Earl, and for some reason that's a challenge for me right now. Oh yeah, Grandma! Crap, there's another. I have planning to do!

My explosively short-tempered uncle from China is here to visit. No wait, not visit, stay here for 3-4 months. Even better, staying at my house! This man is infamous for his rampages when he's angry, and he has to come to this house, which is in almost constant disarray, and he hates it when things are out of order. Yay? He's a ticking time bomb that has to be handled with care at all times! Add the fact that Earl wants to leave Mom, my grades are suffering because I got too wrapped up in people I once called friends, and the fact that I can't even vent to anyone cuz they all suck ass, you've gotta pretty nice and sticky mess going on right here. Makes my achievement in finally, FINALLY getting a job seem microscopic, especially since there's not as many people to call to celebrate anymore. Sucks to be me right now. So yeah, I may lose my mind in the weeks to come, but no one will really care. I'm still pissed about the fact that he took my bed too, I'm sleeping in mom's room now. Won't be such a big deal now that Earl's out of the picture. Asshole. I don't think I'm gonna be able to talk to him again for awhile. I used to call him often when I was stressed, now he's removing his support so I don't really care anymore. Fuck him, fuck Alyssa, fuck Breanna, and fuck everyone who claimed to care about me at one point but then ended up shitting all over me. ASSHOLES! BURN IN HELL!!!!!

My right is winking and twitching uncontrollaby because for some unknown (and most likely stupid) reason my contact lens is irritating my eye without any sign of relief. It sucks ass. Here I am trying to read, type, WALK, and my goddamn eye has to freak out! I'm about ready to attck anyone and beg them for eyedrops, its that bad. This is just proof that I have not been wearing these things as often as I'm supposed to and now the lenses are taking it out on me by torturing my eyes! Ugh!

Anyways, I have history class soon, and while it IS a fun class, I'm not looking forward to it for the fact that there's two hot guys in my class and it makes it very hard to concentrate. Add that to my current discomfort and lack of preparedness, I'm gonna be a babbling and winking fool. Fun times! Ugh, this sucks ass. I hate Marcus Garvey, for being an idiot for his ideas, and also for somehow making himself significant in history. I have to research him to help out my group (who can really actually handle themselves quite well) and help debate it out with other groups who have other black civil rights leaders. So yeah, I may not contribute much, but I'll at least try. Hopefully I can find a book on him or something, cuz I'm running out of time on the computer. Ttyl!

I just realized how much I've changed and how other friends of mine have changed as well. Mom and Earl just tried to get me to go to a sex shop with them (even though I'm a virgin and planning to stay that way for awhile), my friend Alyssa has already done it, others have been asking for tattoo ideas, and one of them is now a model for a car company. Who would've known? It boggles me, especially finding my friends from Arcadia and seeing how much they've changed, it makes me think and look back, its a total trip.

But althought I'm changing still, there's no way I'm going to a sex shop with my parents, especially since I'm still a virgin! I haven't even DATED yet for Christ's sake! They probably just want to educate me, but still, they can hold onto that until I'm actaully sexually active, jeez!

My parents are freaks, what can I say.

What am I speaking of you ask? I am sitting on Alyssa's bed in her room and listening to Spice Girls. Talk about random, right? Yep, we're special that way, that like 10 or so years later we're sitting here and reminiscing about long ago by listening to music that we loved at like 7-9 years old respectively. Ok I'm gonna jump off now since Alyssa's mom is here now, toodles!

I'm lame dude. I'm a goody two shoes that's why. My fun and closer friends have all smoked, drank, or done some illegal activity or another. Besides losing their virginity already. My former friends are headed that direction and looking forward to said activities, if not done already. Where am I? Standing a good distance away and looking on with disdain. Of course I have no temptations toward such lowly activities, (except maybe the virginity part, but I AM a human being with hormones after all) I just wish doing such activities didn't identify you as a "fun" person. I have absolutely NO desire to smoke or do drugs, I can't even conceive of consuming alcohol in the manner that I hear about from friends, and guys don't look at me, so the one I'm actually interested in won't happen anyway (even so, still won't happen 'cause I want it responsible and everything, finding any type of preventative pregnancy products, getting a morning after pill just in case even).

If you couldn't tell already, I'm not much of a risk-taker. Why, you ask? Well, for an assortment of reasons: 1) my parents follow my life very carefully, and I can't get away with shit, 2) though I'm 18 I have no inkling of what it's like to live on my own and if I chose to say "Fuck You!" to my parents I would be out of my home and I have no friends to turn to that can help me, 3) my morals are bred into me by my parents and by my education on what qualifies me as a "good girl" (except the whole "do well in school" thing, that never quite caught on for some reason) and to break them would be sacrilegious to me, and 4) learning the possible consequences of these actions has completely driven me from even attempting aforementioned activities.

With this snooty yet well informed outlook on life, why so unnerved by knowledge of peers doing these things on a normal basis? That's the very problem, most of the people I know do these things on a "regular basis," which makes me sound "irregular." Of course, normally I take on a non-conformist attitude, but now I feel like my non-conformity is actually the new type of conformity, if that makes sense. I SAY that I don't care, when really I sit and observe to see if I have been accepted or not. Sad, I know, and I need to break out of it, but its a really nice thing to have friends, that's my own personal and natural high. Meeting new people and really connecting with them gives me this weird rush and I just feel like laughing a lot and doing stupid stuff. But safe and responsible and stupidly retarded stuff, not "under the influence" stupid stuff. And yet for all my sweetness and innocence, for all my longing to be good and do good, no one really seems to be drawn to it. I feel like its more of loser beacon rather than a sign that I'm "fun." I think I'm the safe and "uncool" fun, where illegal stuff is "cool" fun. But I can't stand doing illegal stuff, it actually really angers me.

So why the spike of jealousy whenever I hear of adventures that my friends have done when not completely responsible and not completely coherent? Well, it seems like they're actually living, while I'm at home twiddling my thumbs (or more accurately: reading, writing, watching t.v., or on the internet). Or if its something they wished they hadn't done, I could have been there to stop them, or to help them get away before it got too bad, basically be the hero. But mainly its because I never get invited to such escapades. Sure, I may not want to go, may not be allowed to go, and they may know it, but I want to at least be able to turn down the invitation rather than never get one in the first place. Even worse, these little festivities in what is widely accepted as typical teenage behavior are done with my friends and friends of their's that know nothing of me or even of my existence. That's what gets me. No one ever thinks of ME when they plan things (except Cyndi, but even then I was still the "safe and available" friend). And it hurts. Bad. I'm the one who has to plan everything when I'm unbelievably bored. I have to be restless enough to do something about my life, and then I have to search for availability of the select choice of friends that I have. Its pathetic and sad what lengths I have to go to in order to feel like I have somewhat of a social life!

But then again, I start college in a few days, there's a bunch of people there (granted, a bunch of them I know already) and plenty of opportunities to make at least a temporary friend for the time being, and that should do until my eventual move down south, where people seem nicer, and less annoying, and don't know me. Can't wait.

My two main people are Alyssa and Britt, and that is what is depressing me. Alyssa is fun and hardly there, Britt is boring and always there. I have no in between people, I don't have any "randomly hang out at their house" people, I don't have "people with cars," I ain't got shit! I'm pathetically alone, or mostly so. I'm serious, I think I'm so above certain people and throw others on a pedestal, no once I can call my equal that we can just kick it w/o added stress. And Alyssa is right there with me, but she's always busy and now there's Crystal's death that she's attempting to cope with at the moment. I can't rely on her, and Britt is too far away (and too annoying) to rely on either. Jenny is the next best thing, but she has other people that she loves more. SO really I have no one. Yep. But hey, I have somewhat of a victory, because of Cyndi's mistake she now has no one but Katherine for a friend now, since Sam's in SD, Breanna and her aren't talking, AND Charlie is in Alabama! Karma! But Breanna is doing better, she's now living with the Tsoi-A-Sues, which must be excruciatingly awkward for her since she has a thing for Stevon and now she's living at his house. Yeah, weird. I'm funny though, I sent Breanna a message with lyrics of For Good from Wicked, dripping with meaning that is impossible to miss. So long as she reads it of course. I don't expect her to respond though, even though I still don't completely know why she did what she did, especially now because of her situation with Sam right now. Oh well, her loss. Dumbass. Anyways, gonna look for stuff to watch on Youtube. Ciao!

Summer's boring dude. Like seriously. No joke. Its the only reason why I'm taking drama. Well, besides the fact that I did kinda miss it. So now I have a full plate, 5 different scripts currently being juggled, 4 of which occur on the same night. But no worries, two of them are monologues and their short and simple. So all I needs to do is focus on my two two-person scenes with A.D.D. Daniela and some nerdy dude named Sean, who I don't ever remember seeing so its a little unsettling to not know him. But it'll be fine, as long as I don't have to do Chorus Line, I'm good. I don't think anybody else I know will be coming to the show either, so its no big deal.

I'm a little frustrated by how very...non-creative I've been lately. I want to write, I would love to write, but I suck at it. And because I suck I end up destroying, and then I end up with nothing rather than something, and something is WAY better than nothing. Ugh, what a dilemma! Not really, I just wish I could just let the words flow, just randomly get inspired and just write nonstop, instead of just wasting perfectly good brain cells on mindless T.V. shows and retarded music videos (although Killswitch Engage's "My Curse" tends to prick at me as inspirative). I don't know, I'd like to write at least a short,a nd I never have the right inspiration. Maybe I should try fictionpress and see if there's anything worthwhile for once, instead of total crap like there usually is. Most likely be back later!

...I finally come back to post on here! Me and my busy lifestyle, can't get me still for ten minutes it seems! Well, since my last post, I've graduated, been to Grad Nite and spent almost 36 hours awake, visited Lore and Vince's little baby Layla, and have signed up for Summer Stock. Everything else isn't as shocking as me signing up for Summer Stock. Funny how I've spent two whole school years detesting and advising everyone against doing anything to do with Drama. And here I am prancing back into the Drama room, met with open arms by the way, and acting as if I haven't missed a thing. But its totally different this time around, since I'm confidence enriched now, and couldn't care less what happens. Ok, so I'm bugged by the fact that Jessica and Mike are in the class, but I can easily rise above it, because there's nothing to gain from making a disgrace of me, there's no one who would care enough. And besides, I don't do anything possibly scandalous, so they would have to really reach to find something to mess with me. And I have Alyssa, so they wouldn't dare, if they don't want busted kneecaps. But I'm really looking forward to the class, to get back into a show and spend some time in the spotlight. And even though I'm missing the first week (when she usually does casting) its all good because she'll cast me herself. It will be awesome! I just wish I could steal one of the scripts so I can begin memorization or something, y'know? Oh well, I have all next week, and I'm pretty good when it comes to memorization. I'll be ok.

Anyways, I'm bored, so maybe I'll just look for more icons. TTYL!

I'm not absolutely sure if what I just did was wise or not, but I felt that I had to do it. I sent messages to both Cyndi and Breanna about all that had happened, just to get the feelings out and to let them know how they had hurt me, and to tie up loose ends before I go. So far I've only gotten a response from Cyndi, and she basically says Sam is her right hand, that what I did was childish, that I should have known her better, and basically what's done is done. It stung a little, to know that if I hadn't acted so crazily after what Breanna did, and if I had just given Cyndi a second chance, I would still have her as a friend. But what she said was fair, I don't blame her, and I feel a tiny bit better. I mean, I knew she wasn't gonna say "Let's be friends again!" but I guess a tiny part of me almost wished she would. But I know that things have changed far too much now, and I see her in an entirely different way now. I've also realized that my view of my friends is totally distorted, I put them on a pedestal and get self-concious when they don't talk to me for awhile. I think way too into things, and then act rashly when angry. I don't know, I know that I did things that I'm not proud of, but I'm not gonna say that it wasn't unwarranted. But yeah, I've learned from this experience and I'm glad that I did it, I only fear that Breanna's will be worse than Cyndi's, at least Cyndi is capable of being mature about it, and I'm grateful to her for that. I have no clue what will come from Breanna, what this will do when we see each other for the next few days. But yeah, I do think this was a little beneficial, and I have to continue seeing it this way and not go into hysterics and be like "OMG, its actually really over!" or something stupid like that. I feel kinda happy now, somewhat complete, so hopefully all goes well.

Dr. Murphy passed away yesterday, my school principal. I'm dreading tomorrow because of the fact that everyone's gonna be super sad and just emo to the extreme, and I'm not looking forward to it at all. I mean, yeah I'm sad about Dr. Murphy, he was an extremely good principal, and such a great speaker, and he really cared about the school. But now he's gone, and its still hard to believe. I'm worried about those close to him though, Alyss has to go comfort Bob and Jan tomorrow. I don't envy her job one bit.

I'm glad she came over though, she can read me better than my parents can. She just called me at like 8:00 and said she was headed over. She told me when she got here that she came because she could tell something was up with me. I felt so loved! So we just hung out, did stuff, called peeps to comfort or inform them about Dr. Murphy. And we're walking to school together in the morning, so yeah. And she says that I can't move without her, so I have a roommate now everyone! She seems serious about it though, said so several times, and keeps saying "Dude, imagine us living in the same room together!" and stuff like that. Of course I was skeptical, just trying not get my hopes up too high to get crushed again, like a bug. But she keeps speaking as though its gonna happen, so might as well go along with it right? Who knows, can't wait until we do move though!

Gotta find a flower.